Tales from Cat's House of Homeschooled Kits!

Hands off. That is what I get a lot now that I have a teen and a tween. It is so difficult to give that up. I remember them being little and needing me to be there to see them, help them, listen to them. Now they want me make the snacks and then go do something else.

While this bothered me for a long time, it was a long time on the horizon. I see it now from another perspective. They are so confident and comfortable that they can handle things on their own. I started to see them as these capable young men. I am in a new sense of awe around them. 

When I mulled over things in my mind, they’ve always been this way. “Mom, mom, look at me.” I look. “Now go do something else.” Over and over an now what they do is so much more than stack blocks, or climb a ladder. Now they solve complex equations, write comics, use the computer create animated art.

I always think it’s new. How silly. They are just more. As always, the more my hands are off, the more they are working on it. The it evolves over time. It changes but it stays the same. I will always have those two little boys and I can see them in the young men they are becoming. They may be changing but some part is still the same, I love that.

I was never so happy as the day I found out I was pregnant. After a doctor told me that I may have difficulty getting pregnant and that I may never have kids at all, to find I was pregnant sent me to the clouds. A baby! A family! Fourteen years later I have a contrary, mustachioed (thin but he cut it off with scissors), filibustering young man. 

On the one hand I am so frustrated! Every inch is an argument. My husband has offered to build the wheel of pain from Conan the Barbarian. His friend suggested military camp. Teaching was difficult, now he refuses my help in any form. He yells when I ask if he needs help “NEVER ask me if I need help!” and yells if I don’t “You NEVER ask me if I need help!” 

What can a parent do? What can I do?

It happened that one of the homeschool listserves I subscribe to had a parenting of teens thread. Not a moment to soon. Parents described their children, young adults really, as aliens, moody, argumentative, withdrawn, you name it. Hey, I have one of those too! A glimmer of hope. 

The subject came up about books. One book came up over and over. I figured there must be something in this book if over half of the posts referred to it. I bought a used copy on Amazon, Parent/Teen Breakthrough The Relationship Approach by Mira Kirshcenbaum and Charles Foster, Ph.D.. 

I must come clean. I have a book buying problem. I have shelves full of self help, eating issues, how to write better, teach dogs, parent kids, draw ocean animals, you name it books. The idea of buying another book is like adding a new brick to the foundation of a home that is never built. I don’t seem to read them once they are in the door.

This book is different. I can open it and read a page, a paragraph, or a single sentence and get something out of it. I read large sections some days, I read a few lines on others. It’s like the book doesn’t want to pressure me into reading it. Weird! and yet I keep reading.

And it works! I used the ideas and concepts right away. I use them every time I think of them.  He argues less, does more, smiles more, and lets me give him a hug now and again. My son is changed. I’ve changed. We are growing up together, not apart. We are a family growing up together. I love my teenage son, I’m keeping him.

Teens are hard and I’m hoping rewarding. No, I know they are. I have a 14 year old son. He is smart, funny, kind, clever, silly, and every now and then insufferable. My sweet birght eye baby is now a fuming, sulking, beligerant, young man. This has been the hardest year so far.

It seems that I am always wrong now. He isn’t afraid to let me know either. It’s not just me. He’s hard on his Dad too. I know he is learning to differentiate himself. I know all the stuff about developmental landmarks, and maturity. I miss being needed and hugged and all that.

Still, I follow his lead. He needs to pull away a little more, so be it. It has rewarded me with a smile, a joke, and a few hugs. This year he’ll turn 15 and next year he’ll be driving. Ugh! I love him and I’m so proud of the teen that he is. I look forward to young man he’s becoming.