I speak to teachers all over New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Virginia so I was thrilled when I got a call from my hometown school district, and they asked me to do a workshop for their teachers. Some of the teachers I had when I was a student were still there, and it was a lot of fun for me to be teaching them something. The topic that they asked me to speak about was “Student Behavior Management.” I started to talk about bullying which is a significant part of behavior management today, and what an impact this horrible behavior can have on the school climate, individual classrooms, students, teachers, and even the community where the students live. When I gave the group a break one of the teachers in the audience came up to me and said, “When we were kids, you and I were both bullied by Tommy.” I looked at him and realized that he must have been the cousin of two boys that I played with when I was in elementary school. One of those cousins had been Tommy, who had bullied me. As soon as he mentioned Tommy and the fact that I was bullied by this boy I automatically started to look around to see if Tommy was there, even though I knew he probably wasn’t. This young teacher shared with me that even though Tommy was his cousin, Tommy had bullied him. He told me that his cousin used to hold him under water, push him, shove him, slap him, and to sum it all up, terrorize him. Both of us agreed that we were still scared to death of him, even though we were grown men. We talked about how he had been much bigger than we were and used his size to intimidate and frighten us. The part of our conversation that concerned me the most was that even after more than 30 years we both still remembered every bullying thing Tommy had done to us; we still had the experience of being bullied tucked away somewhere in our minds.

It is no surprise to me that bullying has gotten worse over the years. Bullying has gotten so bad that the government has had to step in and make it mandatory that programs be created to stop bullying in our schools and in society. Not all people understand this behavior, and some people don’t even realize what bullying actually is. Many people don’t understand how they contribute to the continuation of the behavior, and in their own way make it worse.

What is bullying? Bullying among children is most commonly defined as intentional, repeated, hurtful acts, words, or other behavior such as name calling, threatening, and/or shunning committed by one or more children against another. These negative acts are not intentionally provoked by the victims, and to be defined as bullying, an imbalance in real or perceived power must exist between the bully and the victim. Bullying may be physical, verbal, emotional, or relational.

Bullying interferes with learning. In schools, acts of bullying usually occur away from the eyes of the teacher or responsible adults, consequently, if the bully goes unpunished, a climate of fear envelopes the victims.

A comprehensive approach to bullying is necessary. Many children and adults seriously underestimate the effects of bullying and the harm that it causes the victims. Educators, parents, and children concerned with violence prevention should be concerned with the phenomenon of bullying because it is linked to more violent behavior.

A student is accused of posing as a girl on Facebook, tricking at least 31 male classmates into sending him naked photos of themselves and then blackmailing some for sex acts. Anthony Stancl, 18, of New Berlin, west of Milwaukee, was charged with five counts of child enticement, two counts of second-degree sexual assault of a child, two counts of third-degree sexual assault, possession of child pornography, repeated sexual assault of the same child and making a bomb threat. A survey of 1,280 teenagers (users age 13-19) and young adults (age 20-26) conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com has revealed that one out of five (20 percent) teens overall have posted nude photos or video of themselves on the Internet-that number goes up to a third when young adults are included. While 71 percent of teen girls and 67 percent of teen guys who have sent these photos say they’ve sent them to a boyfriend or girlfriend, 15 percent overall said they’ve sent nude photos to people they only “knew” online. For women, that percentage stays the same when they turn into young adults, although the percentage of young adult men goes up to 23 percent.

This is just another example of what society developed for good, deviant minds have used for criminal, and immoral purposes. What is the problem? Is it to difficult for individuals to enjoy the tools of convenience without trying to figure out how to use it to satisfy their own immoral appetites? I believe that speed and the lack of impulse control plays a big part in why these acts occur on a regular basis today. The speed of text messaging, and sending emails and pictures from a cell phone, combined with the poor impulse control on the part of deviant individuals creates an environment where people can say and send anything they want to another person, things that they wouldn’t say in person like “do you want to screw,” or do in person, like getting naked.

I am 54 years old, 40 years ago if I or anyone of my friends wanted to take and send nude pictures of ourselves or anyone else (By the way we never did) we would have to live with the embarrassment of having these pictures developed by a photographer. In order for a picture to be taken it needed two things, a subject and a photographer. No teenage girls were going to take their clothes off for some sex crazed boy and let him take her picture. Any pictures that were taken of anyone, and I mean clothed usually required a five day period for development. Everyone had time to think. It wasn’t as easy as hitting the send key.

Once the send key is hit everyone has a record of what was sent, a record that will last a lifetime, and probably create a lifetime of misery. Society’s stagnant morality just can’t seem to keep up with the rapidly moving technology. We haven’t figured out how to use our new toys and are always looking for ways to use these things to self destruct or to ruin the reputation of another person. When I was a kid I was told, never write a letter, and to never through away a letter. I understand this now better than ever. At least 40 years ago if I wrote a letter I could decide if I wanted to mail it off. If it was written in anger I could think about it and allow my impulses to calm down. If someone sent me a letter that was less than friendly I had a permanent record of that person’s thoughts of me.

Today people just don’t think, they get a thought, no matter where they are and immediately begin to text someone and begin to berate another person without even giving it a second thought. It is just as easy as hitting the send key. Below is an article I wrote a while back about how this type of selfish and uncontrollable behavior affected an evening that I was spending with my daughter Sarah. It is living proof how texting if not used correctly can ruin and day, and evening, or a life. Thank God things worked out, but remember it all started with an impulsive text message. I left in my advice for those of you who have children who could be impacted by such insensitivity by others.

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Many years ago when my oldest daughter Sarah was about 4 years old a good friend of mine told me that girls were easier to raise than boys. Well my oldest daughter is now 17 years old and I still haven’t figured it out yet. One thing I do know is that I hate to see my daughter upset. I don’t mean mildly upset, that just goes with being a teenager, but upset to the point of tears. This happened to me the other night when I was in the car with Sarah and she received a text message from one of her friends. The text message said that she wanted to talk to her about something. Sarah couldn’t get in touch with the girl that sent the text so she called another one of the girls in this group. She has been friend with 4 girls for about the last two years. These girls did everything together. Hang out mostly as Sarah calls it. They went to parties together, studied together, drove to school together, and yes, they got into trouble once in a while together.

When she called one of the girls up the girl told Sarah that all four girls were upset with her because they were starting to view her as being selfish, and annoying. My daughter was blindsided by this information and really didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what they were talking about. I asked her if she thought this information was true. She told me no. I then asked her if she thought she might have a couple of blind spots and the girls were possibly seeing something in her that she just didn’t see in herself. She said no, and I must say did a pretty convincing job backing up what she told me. The question is this; how do you as a dad offer a teenage daughter advice in situations like these? I am no expert but, I believe that I did a pretty good job based upon the outcome.

Teenage girls always seem to like to be connected to some group outside their family. Teenage boys like the connection also, but a boy’s connection is usually with some type of sports team, or club. Girls like to be connected to each other. The longer this connection lasts the greater the chance that their weaknesses will be exposed, and for sure they will start engaging in rumors, and gossiping about one another. Girls also tend to become more jealous in these relationships if a boy becomes involved in this mix. Once one of the girls has an opinion about someone else in their group they will bend over backward to try and convince the other members of the group that it is true. They will even search for the evidence to prove their point. This behavior becomes crushing and emotionally painful to the girl who is being ganged up on, as was the case with my daughter.

What can you do when your daughter confides in you enough to tell you what is going on? First, listen, and I mean listen well. Find out all the facts and please don’t react or condemn your daughter. Don’t say to her you better change your ways. If you are condemning her it’s a good chance that that’s the reason why she looking for connections outside the family. The next thing is to love her to death with your actions and words. My comment to my daughter was, I like everything about you. I like how you talk and how you act. Help her understand that you are her biggest fan. Let her know that she doesn’t have to apologize for something that she truly believes she is not guilty of. I mean are these girls the only one with an opinion. Of course if she feels as if she has done something to offend someone apologize, and move on.

Tell your daughter that long term relationships give everyone an opportunity to show their true colors. These relationships may be nice at first, but the longer that a person is in them the greater the chance that the true character of someone will pop up. That’s when a person has to decide if they want to stay friends with someone who is not a very loyal friend. Tell your daughter to stand tall, hold her head up, and don’t let them see you cry, and that you will be there to help her do all of these.

Adolescent relationships are a growth process. There is pain that can come from being hurt by a so called friend. Guess what by the time your daughter is 22 she will have the savvy to manage this type of crap and she won’t be emotionally immature when it comes down to relationships. All friendships are not intimate, and by that I mean a relationship that involves a person’s heart, mind, and soul. The relationships that your daughter has with someone in high school might be viewed by her as intimate. Relationships have a continuum that go from, acquaintance, friend, close friend, and then intimate friend. An intimate friend is usually someone that is a life long friend.

By the way after I offered my daughter some of my wisdom, which by the way took me two days, she said to me “I really love you dad,” and was happier than I have seen her in a long while. When I was alone, I cried, yes I cried again. I am such a big baby.

www.behavioral-management.com

The answer to this question is very basic. In today’s society, children learn at an early age that they can say and do almost anything they want and get away with it. Children are also keenly aware that if they put up a big enough stink their parents will eventually give in and give them their way. By the time a child has finished the so-called terrible twos, the parents may have already lost control of the child’s behavior, and just walking the child through a store can be a nightmare. What is the problem? Why do so many young children enter school and think that it is okay to throw tantrums or have very serious problems with compliance or respect? Why do so many young children simply refuse to do what their teachers tell them to do just because they don’t feel like doing it?

Believe it or not, society needs to be held partly responsible for these children who enter school with this confrontational attitude that has teachers wringing their hands and wondering, what am I going to do with this child? The faulty theories and philosophies that have come out of our educational institutions, along with permissive ideologies of so-called child-rearing gurus, have promoted the idea that children need to be respected more than they need to be compliant and that the ground is level. To put it plainly, we are now supposed to ask our children if they want to do things rather than tell them to do what we want them to do.

Over the last forty years, people in society seemed to have had etched in their minds that children should have a choice when it comes to what they say and what they do. Children have become used to questions such as: What do you want for dinner? What do you want to wear today? We’re going out now, okay? Or, you can do five problems on this math page; you can choose the ones you want to do. Or even better, you can either sit down or get out of the room; the CHOICE is yours. Children don’t need choices; they need direction! Believe it or not, they want to be told what to do. Giving a child a directive produces security in the mind of the child. It makes him or her aware that the teacher is in charge and that there is only one way to do things, and that’s the teacher’s way. Choices produce insecurity and confusion. Young children do not have enough knowledge built into their little brains to allow them to understand how to make correct choices. Once they are given choices that they don’t like, the struggles

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Respect, Responsibility, and Relationships

Everybody knows what the 3Rs of teaching are – reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic. But educators don’t totally understand that in order to teach these basic subjects successfully, they must constantly be working to develop respect and responsibility in their students. No longer can it be assumed that children develop these attitudes at home.Plus, teachers must learn how to build positive relationships with their students.Strong teacher-student relationships naturally foster a positive and safe learning environment where much learning will take place and where all students will become capable, connected, and contributing members of their classrooms. To order The New 3Rs in Education: Respect, Responsibility,and Relationships please visit www.behavioral-management.com You will find this book to be an invaluable resource for teachers and for parents. It is definitely a book that every home schooling family should have on their book shelf.